Monday, February 06, 2006

Cognitive Dissonance

This Week: I had the feeling I wanted to go home. I thought about it and realized I wouldn't know where that was anymore. I love this dog. I do. There are moments when the three of us are walking with the dog and laughing or running or just being, and the family feels somehow more complete. More domestic. I like it. But in the evenings, when she won't stay off the couch, or won't be still, or keeps barking at me because she wants me to play and I am just tired and don't want to, I wonder about getting rid of her and I feel guilty just for thinking it even though I know I wouldnt. I am SO loving my work assignment right now. The workload is growing, and I am addressing needs and getting lots of kudos. But even in the heart of it, I wonder about another possibility. Would I like it more? Less? Would the logistical ease of the other work assignment make it worth it if I didn't like it? Would it make home life more normal? What if anyone along the chain in my current assignment just decided not to have me work on this project, just as easily as I was put on it? Am I happier as a big fish in a small pond or a medium fish in a big pond? Does it matter? So many family members are facing serious illnesses, some worse than others. I don't know how to help or if I should. I wonder if I should be preparing myself or if that is just cold. But I don't really worry about it and I wonder if that is cold. I wonder how my life would be different if I hadn't moved across country and I think that is cold. Why am I thinking about me in this. Despite not seeing my husband enough due to work schedules, my daughter being cranky because she is not getting enough sleep, some annoying health problems of my own, being off my food plan and truly hungering for the Word of God, but still not being in it with any regularity and feeling the effect of that in my prayers (which are pretty constant), despite all of that.. I am pretty happy right now.


  • At 2/07/2006 02:12:00 PM, Blogger Troy said…


    it's nice to come back to your blog and see how you are. And I like this post: things are really hard, but you're still pretty okay. That seems to be most of life.

    Thoughts going out for those ill in your family.



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